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Two cannibals are eating a clown. One turns to the other and says:
"Does this taste funny to you?"
Clintons
Hillary, Bill Clinton, and the Pope are sitting together on an airplane.
Bill says "I could throw one thousand
dollar bill out of this plane, and make
one person very happy."
Hillary says " I could throw ten hundred
dollar bills out of this plane and make
ten people very happy."
The Pope says "I could throw Bill out of the plane and make the whole country very happy."
Cat Bath
I gave my cat a bath the other day. She liked it. But her hair kept sticking to my tongue. (Steve Martin)
What do you call a blonde that understands what you tell her?
A Golden Retriever.
Golf Lesson
A golfer was happy to be playing with low handicapper. Hitting first, he topped the ball and it rolled about 20 yards down the fairway. He asked what was wrong, and was told he was standing too close to the ball. Before taking his next shot, he asked if he was standing too close. The other golfer said," I meant after you hit it."
Car Phone
I have an answering machine for my car phone. It says "I'm home now. Leave a message and I'll call you when I'm out."
TIGER
Tiger Woods was golfing in Texas.
When he attempted to cross a fence to retrieve a ball,a farmer
pulled up
in his pickup truck, jumped out, and asked Tiger what he was
doing on his property. "Retrieving this ball I just
hit", he replied.
That ball is on my side of the fence, so now it's mine,"
replied the farmer.
Tiger asked the farmer if he recognized who he was talking to.
"No," replied the farmer, "I don't know, and I
don't care."
"I am Tiger Woods, famous golfer", came the reply
"I am the golfer that won the recent PGA championship and
have lots of money.
And if you don't let me get that ball, I can hire a lawyer and
sue you for your farm,
your truck, and everything else you own.
"Well," said the farmer, "In Texas, we go by the
'Three Kicks' law."
"Never heard of it", said Tiger.
The farmer said, "I get to kick you three times, and if you
make it back to your feet
and are able to kick me back three times, that ball is
yours."
Tiger thought this over. He grew up in a tough neighborhood
and figured he could take this old farmer. "Fair
enough", he said.
So the farmer kicked Tiger violently in the groin.
As he was doubling over, the farmer kicked him in the face,
and when he hit the ground, he kicked him hard in the ribs.
After several moments, Tiger slowly made it back to his feet.
"All right, now it's my turn", said Tiger.
"Aw, forget it", said the farmer. "You can have
the ball."
another CLINTON
Bill Clinton was campaigning at a old age
retirement home.
He went up to a woman and shook her hand and said "Do you
know who I am?"
"No," replied the old woman, "but if you go to the
front desk,
they'll tell you!"